One endless night, one we're not supposed to survive, one we're not supposed to fight. We are meant to know, find for ourselves which road is wrong and which is right, because it's not that end of the road we seek, it's not the morning's light, it's us. So I'm glad, I'm glad we still get those moments sometimes, moments where it's no longer about choices and mistakes, it's more pure than that, just a blind feel and a deep breathe filling my lungs, one more smile in such an endless night.
That stupid slow pace that hits life sometimes when you're not fully around, when maybe you're not listening or maybe just sitting back, like sitting in the back seat of a cab, a long journey across a bridge when it's such a long night you don't know if it's closer to morning or midnight. You tilt your head back a while and think, nothing there but that same slow pace, like there's an answer just waiting for you to get but you're not, because you're stuck dragging something heavy, dragging it all the way, that story of your past, that one story, not all the other garbage, this particular brand of garbage you remember more than the rest. You look out the window, barely no start in the night skies, but street lamps and headlights, as the road curves ahead you can see the lonely reds signaling a future that looks just like before. But there's a genuine feel, just beyond the glass you rest your head against and think, a genuine feel of something or other, you don't really try to grasp it, because how it feels isn't something to pursue, to understand, or explain, it's just there for that one moment about to pass, all that's left is to close your eyes and soak it in before it fades. Because hey, the rest of life is just smoke, traffic jams and clouds of smoke, green means go and red means stop, but yellow, yellow is always there, and you don't know what it means, too scary to run, and you can't just stop every step of the way, wishing it really was as simple as green, red and dark, but yellow is all you got.
One endless night, one we're not supposed to survive, one we're not supposed to fight. We are meant to know, find for ourselves which road is wrong and which is right, because it's not that end of the road we seek, it's not the morning's light, it's us. So I'm glad, I'm glad we still get those moments sometimes, moments where it's no longer about choices and mistakes, it's more pure than that, just a blind feel and a deep breathe filling my lungs, one more smile in such an endless night.
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They lie, people lie… They’d like you to believe it when they tell you humans are judged and known by their actions, but the painful truth of the matter is that we’ve become a generation that can barely even tell what an action is. It seems some lack the ability to tell the difference between a question and a comment, go on; just go ahead and ask a philosophical yet simple question, and some would simply just hit ‘like’ what world do we live in where so few seek answers anymore, drooling idiots like bugs distracted by the slightest beam of light, and it’s not that we’re judgmental, no, it’s that first impressions are all we get anymore even with those we’ve known too long, and our analytical thinking is as dumb and ignorant as any judgmental look, listen to people talk and explain their ignorance in big fat words, talk of how they view life and themselves, dabble in religion and politics, self-proclaimed experts, but they taught themselves how to be idiots inside a well-dressed skin, it’s easy finding the glaringly wrong side, not so easy actually understanding it, telling the difference between what’s really wrong and what was caught in the crossfire, so no one tries to look anymore, if someone is wrong it means everything else around him\her is just as bad, yay look how smart we are, we’re smart ma… we’re… what? Critical, Liberal, Modern… heh, too many buckets of words that probably meant something important one day but that day has long gone fallen into murky waters in those buckets sullied by our something or other, so… Like!
The reason mankind never rests in peace is that there’s a war between our ability to think and our innate desire to find common grounds, common thoughts tuckered under umbrellas of labels and what’s sad is we look at the image from topside, sharing the view of the rain when it falls, eventually seeing nothing but the classifications others made of what’s this and that, what’s right and what’s wrong, all spread over a tiny canvas of colored spots wet with maybe our tears or others’, we just choose ones and accept as a whole and call the others names, call it judgmental, call it evolution, stereotypes, call it whatever you wish it to sound like, as long as you nod along and… Share! I understand we need to find a perfectly acceptable moment for everything we do and everything we feel, but we fail to seek the same for our thoughts, we think but we never take a slightest attempt at earning those thoughts, and so in time they betray us, giving us away to mindless shatter of what others convey out of shallowness and laziness, we become who we really are, an emptier image of what we could’ve been if we tried better, and we didn’t because we didn’t; not out of failure, we let our minds find comfortable seats in corners occupied by others who seem relevantly familiar to our pain and gain, and we stick around for the warmth, for the cheers, but mainly out of fear… look around, people marching everywhere and chanting, a nation’s mid-life crisis, who thinks before they speak, who thinks before they act, who gives weight to these thoughts and tries to understand them, where they stem from and why, is every intelligent thought brought about by a half dead organ correct to become a messiah for our deeds… without either thought or doubt you’d become them; the ones you’d only notice if you weren’t one of them and hopefully over trying to be, without any meaningless progress of the mind they became empty drones, ready to be filled and fueled by the thoughts of others guiding them in mass to fulfill a desire and intention they will never comprehend, and it doesn’t make it any less wrong if the outcome is good. The rules of MAN! Made by man to protect mankind, (Sorry Ladies; English is biased) can I get an “Amen!” What used to be a sin is now a right, not because we understand anything or believe in anything, but because we’re simply better than the ones before who -get this- made a lot of mistakes, if you fail to recognize the audacity of our irony then you’re a far better person than I am or just a fucking idiot, and what is now completely and without a doubt perceived as sinful is also right now a breakfast in bed routine somewhere else in the world, and by world I mean this little piece of rock we live in and think is so huge, what makes them right and we wrong? Are they better because we made slightly more mistakes or because we corrected past mistakes at a lesser pace, maybe they just had a head start on us, if born somewhere else a person would be that much different? Same age, same mind, just a plane ticket away, why can no one see this for what it is? A degrading scale of our reluctance, inevitably accepting the new for its fresh new looks, well know this; one day someone will wake up to go to work just like every other day cursing his luck for living in such a back warded country where even murder is illegal, they make it look so cool in movies, the right to bear arms? Why not use them? I mean if you let someone kill you it must’ve been your fault right? What… too absurd, right maybe start with something small like theft or bribery, then slowly crawl your way to bigger game, I mean it’s not like there are ever such glaring differences in our conception of sins, bad is bad right? And we’re perfectly capable of finding that out on our own. Exactly like we all agree that adultery and alcohol are… hmm I guess Gas & Alcohol Don’t Mix! Heya aslaha mesh balad koffar wala balad 3ayza el 7ar2 mayenfa3hash 3’er darb el gezam, heya mogarad balad, men bara fakret a5bar fi nashra fi yom momel we men gowa ‘3aZeema ya masr’ we eshaal men el 5otab el 7amdana we 2a7dan el 7anan el faksana, bas el 7a2ee2a enaha ba2et set 3agouza la2etha fel share3 we karart te3tef 3aleeha laken el 7a2ee2a enak mate3rafhash wala te3raf 3anha 7aga, fi nas 2ablak ye3rafooha laken enta la2, wadetha dar moseneen we sebtaha henak we neseet, adeek betedfa3 el fatoora kol shahr we te2ool le nafsak ana mabansahash. Yom men el 2ayam el doctor kalemak we 2alak el 7aga ta3bana, eh el far2 maheya tool 3omraha 3ayana wenta mate3rafsh, bas el maradi 2aloolak, we 3ashan gada3 aw 3ayez tesbet nafsak gada3 2omt tert 3aleeha we 2olt “mesh mashy 3’er lama teb2a koweysa” We fe3lan 2a3adt, 2a3adt sa3a wetnen, bas batareet el mobile mesh mash7oona we law fasal wala hayeb2a fi wi-fi wala 7ata angry birds, kalemt so7abak wa7ed wa7ed la7ad elly redy feehom yeegy geh, 2a3ad yeharag ma3ak nosaya we ba3deen baselak we howa mesta3’rab we sa2alak “heya meen dih?” radet enta bekol seqa we 2olt esmaha, manta 7afez esmaha kowayes, “aywa meen di ya3ny?” bardo sa2al el 3’ateet, bas el marady ma3andaksh 7aga te2olha, “tayeb 3andaha eh?” bardo mate3rafsh, asl enta 2aloolak anaha 3ayana wenta sada2t bas masa2altesh, we fe3lan tel3et 3ayana, waram 5abees we shalo laken da mesh ma3nah ennak mesh 7omar. Fel 2a5er sa7bak zehe2 we 2am, 2alak “teegy ma3aya” 2olt enta bekol 7azm l2, 2olt hatbat ma3aha la7ad el sob7, we sa7bak mafakarsh yes2al leh, hayewga3 dema3’o leh? Maheya aslaha mesh balad koffar wala balad 3ayza el 7ar2, “Di Masr” we7na… e7na 7afzeen esmaha kowayes, maho 3ala ra2y el nasheed da “esm ma5loo2 lel 5olood” bas ana mesh ha2ool di gomla 7aram 3ashan ba3d phobiet el felool ba2a 3andena phobiet 2e5wan, da 3ady! bas elly yeza3al enaha te2leb phobiet adyaan, we keda keda mesh far2a, zay el 7omar enta 3ereft taree2 el meedan, maba2ash lazem 7ad yesoo2ak 3ala henak, we ya3ny enta hate3mel eh ya 3’alban, manta ben el face lel telfaz 3ayez tefar2a3 nafoo5ak, democrateya we shar3eya, azma ektesadeya we re2asa destoreya, da 3’er yameesh we mosalsalat Ramadan, fein ayam el kamera el 5afeya? Kanet bed3a le-aboya bas taree5 leya, bas ana 2al2an, 5aretat taree2 we ree7et 7okm 3askar da 3’er el 7arb el ahleya, mabeen 5,6,7,3,4 we millionya, welly ye2olak el 2e5wan weslo 3adadhom 34 million fi midaan rab3a el 3adaweya, lol, bas 3al telvizion ye2olak ne7eb ba3d we na7taden ba3d we nerga3 le 7odn masr we shabab el thawra, maho 5elesna men el sawabe3 rasha2na fi 2a7dan katyana, welcome to “Hartalet ba3d el thawra” – Morsi edition, we7na adeena et3awedna 3ala keda… maheya Di Masr! There are two sides to each of our lives, one that doesn’t matter, and one we barely ever notice, it’s like the fight between darkness and light, never ending, never surrendering, you can’t see it but you can feel it, and maybe you can even taste it, but if you look deep enough into your heart maybe you’ll know it, a cracked mirror and in it your shattered reflection, do you see it? More importantly; do you understand? Cause I don’t care.
Important moments in the stream of our breaths governed by fast pace and neglect, the parents to our confusion, and what do they say? “Ignorance is bliss” maybe so… but who knows what ignorance is? I mean how much knowledge does a human need to actually reach a point in his life to be able to call himself ignorant, bfft, I’ll try to abandon my metaphors for a few seconds, nothing about rats in a maze or tiny speckles of dust carried away by a bitchy wind suffering a hangover, no we’re humans, or so we dare call ourselves, and yet we rarely attempt to see that, to understand that, we selfishly give away our sense of morality just bit by bit, day by day we accept more mistakes as validated reality, registering more and more nightmares as facts of life, giving no chance to others but to fall just a little bit deeper into who they think they are, but the truth is; we never were given a fair choice, I mean where’s the alternative here, blindly following in the footsteps of those that ruled us when we weren’t around? Or completely rebelling against everything about that to the point that we don’t even know what we’re rejecting anymore, when do we stop for a second and evaluate what is wrong and what is right, at least then if you make a mistake you’ve had the decency of trying to make something out of all this mess, instead what do we do? We surrender away the keys to our emotions in the hands other means, society’s beliefs, lyrics and music, people, and what we have to live with every day, it takes time but eventually it’s like we can’t function correctly without them anymore, something’d be missing, and you know then that you’ve lost something, I’m no better than anyone, I’m sitting here preaching searching for something I already found a long time ago listening to music and trying to make myself feel at home, if I plugged that music out of my head what would happen I honestly wonder, is it an industry that simply depends on me to survive and feed our unsavory need for entertainment, or have I come to undoubtedly depend on it for a quick fix, an emotional high state I’m losing the ability to get to on my own, a good song that reminds me of a nice memory making me feel happy even though five minutes ago when I remembered that very moment I felt nothing, and then another that makes me angry, funny how music would drive you angry more than news these days, but maybe that’s just me, yeah it probably is just me… isn’t it?! To be continued… The world is a big puppet with a string held in each person’s hands, and so the image makes us think we’re in control, but the puppet is like a balloon dancing in the wind, slapped around by inevitable change and like little pieces of a puzzle we collide like idiots hanging to their lives feeling sorry for ourselves being bullied by a freaking wooden balloon, that’s not sad, sure is ironic having a puppet pulling the strings, but it’s a step closer to actually have the humility to see such picture and even slightly believe it, this is how you change the world, on your own if you pull back hard enough in the right direction at least you won’t squish over others, give them room to breathe and remember they were once humans too, and in time they might start pulling back with you, reshaping the world, then one day they will see the change and see the strength in being able to change the world, so in turn they will want to shape it again and again forcing it to be what they want more than what it should be, you see… the puppet corrupts, and some other poor fools somewhere else are being hung by the unfair change, the imbalance that followed the brief balance, one of them will show them how to pull back, just to fix the world, nothing more nothing less, they do, they like it, and the puppet corrupts, and so back and forth the world goes like a rusty pendulum forced to follow the leadership of fools, oh and how wonderful it is to be a fool, it’s not an insult it’s a decree, you have to be one or amongst ones to learn something or another, and it’s harder being the good guy in times of peace and victory, cause if you’re smart enough you can see the corruption creeping its way but it’s hard to do anything about it, what are you going to do anyway, be the bad guy?!!!
It sure is a fact; my mind works in twisted ways, the things I want, the things I desire, the things I imagine, maybe I’m less of a freak than I sell myself out to be, still, it’s beside the point, I don’t really want to write a single word, I just want to let it out of me, I’ve been trapped for years, a reality not a metaphor this one, and it feels like in a cartoonish way life is kinda holding a grudge against me, and I have to resign to resenting my own conscience for life’s deeds of vengeance, blaming myself for every taste I’ve missed, money, power, women, bla bla bla… what am I doing to myself, where is this heading, is this even the right way, starving myself to everything I’m good at, no, great at, is punishment, protection, or fear, doesn’t make sense, eh maybe punishment but the other two words don’t even match well with my name, I know the answer but it sucks more than confusion, it’s all just analytical, is it fair that one man’s whole life to be treated that mathematically, I’m not a robot but I keep forcing a third view of myself as one, I hate that I’m right though, I just can’t let myself go, I’m not a balanced person, I never was, I’m more of an extreme case scenario, and part of me wants nothing but to flip that switch, this isn’t getting me anywhere, I’m no saint, somehow I still manage to jam my fair share of mistakes down the narrow end of my conscience, life is pathetic, I’m only an occasional judge, but I’m forced in these moments to see my reflection on a cracked surface… HAH I’m sorry for the interruption I just had an idea, it’s only fair to hate the warden, hell maybe even more than the judge, all he does is his best to never ever let you out, or you’ll start hurting people, unfortunately in this case it feels more like an ostrich’s wisdom than a warden, If you keep buried deep inside for long enough no one needs to get hurt, this hostage situation can never end peacefully off course, I once thought differently, thought love was just around the corner, a naive concept I only still share because I’m too unbelievably stubborn to give up, and that’s exactly how it’s starting to feel, like I’m just sharing a concept with someone, agreeing simply because I have no grounds to prove him otherwise, or cause his argument simply seems too strong to disapprove, you see; evolution has a whole different meaning and set of rules when it comes past my little corner of the universe, I always reserve the luxury to split up and search the place, or at least that’s one lame way of putting it, in other words; if needed I can always both agree and disagree at the same… when I was younger I realized I can’t help but calculate everything that’s coming my way, not even to prepare myself for it, who am I kidding I never was the man with the plan, but it simply became a force of habit, like free extra brain space wasted on worthless human life rather than a headache, that stupid habit taught me something very valuable, you CAN’T calculate everything, you can’t see everything coming, as a matter of fact it’s quite the other way around, more often than not; it’s what you don’t anticipate that hits you in the face, and I found that the best way to anticipate the unexpected is to anticipate it as it is; an unknown, and the more known ground you can cover the less there is for the unknown, this is more of a state of mind than a practical application, I learned this in a much simpler form without even realizing it, I had to wait to grow up so I can decipher my process and add all the complex little terms that I love so much, the trick is to calculate every outcome but not let yourself be fooled by such a lie, and remain focused for the truth.
That’s what makes life what it is, a lowly scumbag always with a filthy trick up its sleeve, showing you the reflection of how pathetic you and everyone around you can be, which is good, you simply need to survive that when it happens and move on. Easier said than done… in the world of humans survival ain’t just for the fittest, somehow that makes it harder, survival is a fair game, ironically the only fair something in life, your patience, your morals, your ideals, your innocence, your silliness, your instincts… they all need to survive with you, or it isn’t even you coming out of the mirror, and I refuse to be bits and pieces, the good and the bad, all makes one image, sure a twisted stubborn arrogant image but it remains me, and I can handle it, and that means something to me, not much but it adds up, a lowly scumbag out there and a stubborn arrogant somewhere in here, dumb and dumber right… Life is like a cigarette, a pack of smokes in the pocket of a fool, a stream of poisons clouding up our thoughts, closing down the curtains between us and the ones that really matters, between our hearts and their dreams, we live our lives in the bathroom holding it to our lips thinking we are the ones who are burning it, while it sets our souls on fire turning us into ashes, keep sucking on it while it sucks our thoughts away.
Life is like a cigarette in the hands of a kid, thinking he became the man of the matter holding it up proudly, but when faced by reality he can't run for a few meters. Days are just like nicotine entering our hearts taking our future from under our feet. Life is something and out, and at the end of the day all you feel is that itch in your chest, the need to spit over the shaking ground, have a drink and go straight to sleep, coughing your troubles away, staying out of the faces of the people you love not to let them near your stinking breaths, more and more you keep slipping out of the back of the theater, leaving your role for others and others to play, telling yourself that you can do it no more, All alone, by every step of giving up you take you lie to yourself saying "what can I do", deceiving yourself telling it you ain't running away, you're just being smart, well you're not, for in the end you find yourself locked away from all that is good and bad, trapped inside the walls you built around you, only now can you see the truth of what you lost and what you never gained, only now you see that you got no more cigarettes left, life is over and you're all alone, alive and safe within your fort, but are you safe from the solitude within yourself, you stand and look but you can't see beyond your own skin, your eyes itches from the smoke around you, Life is like a cigarette when you forget yourself in it you forget everything else, when you can't risk losing it you risk losing everyone else, and when you keep holding onto it you end up filling the air around you with clouds of uncertainty keeping you away from those who care for you, but you can't see them you can't judge. I never smoked before but people have been smoking all around me, afraid of losing their lives, the lives they never had, I close my eyes and hold my breath, get there inside looking for you, but I can't do it on my own, I can't see, my mind is numb, the smokes are too high, if only you'd reach your hands, if only you'd call on my name, I will hear you, I will never leave you here alone, I won't get out without you by my side, I'll get you out of there, or I die here shocking in the dark, smiling at my tears. I close my eyes, let the sound of my voice shuffle the thoughts in the back of mind, get lost between me and myself, I open my eyes and look at the view, for a second I wait, I wait for this is how it always begins, I open my eyes again, again I'm free, I hear nothing but my soul, see nothing but my early dreams, why do I so hunger to be hollow, why do I bare this thirst for a freedom no human ever had for more than an instant, may be a full moment is more than what a human can bare, I'm stuck between my thoughts and my beliefs, between my hopes and my deceits, me and myself, I know both sides, but what I'm not aware of is which side am I, the mad love filling me towards the very existence of the universe, or the potential rage filling me towards the very idea of revenge, how could I be both worlds, what chain could possibly ever link us together, the manifestation of its core, and why do I keep focusing on that chain more than the solution I can't find for a crisis I can't realize, maybe she is that chain, that light, the rainbow bridge crossing me to myself, once again I find myself surrounded by my memories, killed by my own obsession, but how could passion have this ultimate power over me, how could love be my only salvation while at the same time my only fear, how could it be the only string keeping me from collapsing to abyss, and yet be the instrument of my destruction, but it's all been a shaded error of a mistake, for I never fought for her, never slapped my heart of this dream so to grab a reality. I try to make it through the maze that my mind drew for my soul to linger through, losing traces of my former self, slowly I become nothing but a broken shallow of a man, find myself looking at nothing but my footsteps, listening to nothing but my destructive thoughts, smelling the bitterness of the evil inside of me, trying desperately to let itself out, I found myself standing on a crossroads, on the verge of facing myself for the first time, I close my eyes, let the sound of nature shuffle the thoughts in the back of mind, get lost between me and myself, finding the common ground, but there were none, there is no limit, only when I think of her that I become one, but she's not here to save me from my conflict, or is she, once again the memory of her innocent eyes saves me from my lurking shadows, keep me away from a grave so deep that I can't see the end of it, all I ever needed was her soul, a pure miracle from a distant star, a truce between the universe and my heart, a dance between the air and my blood. Some days go slow, some days go the other way around, tempo of life, we live but we dont know, we know but we're not alive, a childish idea, a bubble popping but like all great things forgotten in due time, all this is of no meaning, all this to tell you I missed you, but you're not here, and I'm not looking, I won't, happiness is a human flaw, sought only by the sane of us, by them, by you, I walk away, wounds have healed, wounds have grown, but unlike what kid me thought; they don't last, they only haunt you after they die and wither away, haunted, hunted, but you can only know what you see with your heart, but you had too look long enough to see beyond your premonitions, I keep walking bare foot on a grass of molten thorns, walking towards my own closure, destination isn't worth it, and neither is the journey, and when grass turns to sand hope turns to ashes, I shall breath again, story of my life, never read it before, I just keep on writing, a million miles march, I wish I had a chance to forgive you, it would mean I held something inside, something long enough to forgive it, before letting go.
“I am the king of all kings.” I heard the man say, ignorance is bliss; I told myself, “King… King of all kings.” He was shouting at himself, the man in the street, I was just walking in the neighborhood mentally drunk and sunk into my own thoughts trying to leave myself behind and runaway, hoping it would never last, hoping that being me would never last, but it wasn’t about me that day, I saw this man, less than a beggar, staring into nothingness, in other words of others “just somebody who’s not worth it.” Somebody I told myself, he’s still somebody, my eyes traveled to his direction for a moment and one more, all I could think about was that I’m not him, and there’s a difference between being him and being in his shoes, so much of a difference, destiny in its vast wisdom, written by the hands of God, gave me who I am, and gave him who he is, so at the end of the day, part from what we have, I’m always me, and he’s always him, it’s more complicated than it sounds, at least to me it is, when I was kid, sitting in the back seat of my father’s car, I used to look outside the widow, look at all those people out there, so many of them, yet none of them is me, and I’m not any of them, similarities making uniqueness at the same time, and when I see a man turning his car around, taking a different direction, I say to myself here’s a man I would never see again, even though I never knew him and never will, for that particular moment he was part of my life, just like everybody else, a human’s effect on a background of every moment of mine, ‘I’m not him’ it kept nagging on me, so much in such a standard fact, even though I see him now I can’t see his life, can’t remember or wait, and when I sleep at night he won’t be there anymore, I won’t still care, I won’t remember, when I was young I taught myself to care, because even though I’m always me and not anyone else it doesn’t mean they don’t exist, people are more than just shadows walking around, so I looked at the man, trying not to judge by his repulsive appearance, life have had its toll on him one time too many, I could see his lips moving as he talked to himself, a man who had lost his mind I realized, then it struck me, the words he said could never leave my mind, “I’m the king of all kings…” first thing I thought was to laugh, this man has obviously lost his mind to a point of no return, but the more I looked at him I could see he wasn’t even there, he wasn’t walking in the same street as I was, not even the same world, so distant, so true, reality is such a lie, we believe what we wish to believe and throw away the rest, this man is not the king of all kings I know, but in his own world he was a king, and what difference does that make now, each one of us is living in his own world, I’m not him and he is not me, and for a moment logic failed to apply, I was lost between reality and what it represents, and all I could think off, I just passed by a king in the street, a crazy man with no apparent life or purpose, but in some reality he was king, it’s more like a video game, for a couple of hours you play and become someone else, a prince, a thief, a hero, a serial killer or even a cook, wasn’t that reality, you can’t say it wasn’t, you just can’t say it was either, we only see what our eyes wants us to see, our minds comply and tells us it’s real as we follow in awe, oblivious to what is and what is not… too late now for us to see, cause there’s nothing to see, all went through my head within a moment and another, as the man passed me by, I kept going on carrying my dinner in a plastic bag smiling at myself thinking “Hell I don’t care about reality… I just hope this food remains real long enough for me eat it.” I looked right back at the man one last time, he never said it again but I could never forget it, his voice so loud, face so true, and hands waving… “I’m the king of all kings.”
My head is empty which is something I’m not quit used to, I mean there’s always something I’m thinking about, some quotes in my head, or lyrics making stories, now I’m feeling so weird like I’m being some one else whom I’m not used to, hell I really don’t even know why am I saying this, I might as well delete it all after finishing it and no one will get into this empty hole with me, yeah, that’s what it feels like, a hole, like I’m in there with myself, someone threw us deep into it waiting for us to get to know each other, as if that’s something that could ever happen, you know being me is like sitting at the back of a crowded bus, I’m there, with all the people, but it’s like people are talking to each other and fighting over so many things but I’m just over there at the back watching them, having no hand in the matter, shutting my mind from their troubles and looking out the window to the streets blurring right by me without a sense of any meaning, and this music playing in my head making it sound more and more like an old movie replaying itself onto a rusty screen, probably no one is even left here watching it by me, and I’m not even falling asleep, the harder I look at it, the more unrealistic it becomes. Have you ever had this feeling that life is just too realistic to be real, as if it’s just one big dream that soon you and I will be waking up from, released from the collars of this mirage, sometimes I wonder how is it that I’m only me, just me, nobody else, it’s not that I ever wanted to be someone else, but it’s like this; I go somewhere, I meet some people for the first time and at the end of the day I leave and never see them again, a year later I’m only wondering what could’ve ever happened to them, we no longer live in the same world anymore, it’s like… I don’t know… being caged inside my mind, shut of from others, what would it have been like being them not me, then I’ll only be wondering what it would be like to be me, the old me, there’s no way out of it is there, the question that I can’t even find the right words to ask, all I know is that when I open up my eyes again, I’m still right there at the end of the bus waiting for my stop to come, wondering if I’ve missed it, but ironically the road is still too long, and I was the one thinking I would open my eyes to see the curtains falling to end this realistic dream, it’s like I’m trapped inside the world and the whole world is trapped inside my head, like a game of hide and seek, but after playing it for so long I don’t even know anymore who’s the catch and who’s the seeker, should I run and hide, or look for the answers beneath the stones of mystery, maybe I should just shut up and sit in silence and wait till the wheels of the bus stops for me to go, but where was I going anyway, I can’t remember, all I remember is that I miss those days when I used to take the bus early each morning to school, I miss standing up in lines every morning doing exercises, I miss lunch time and trips, I miss teacher fighting with me every single day asking me to wear some heavier cloths for the cold or at least roll down my sleeves, I miss every single fact of these old days, good ones and bad, I even miss our homework and heavy backpacks, and I miss her so much, more than anything else in this whole world, she’s the only thing in this world that I don’t wanna risk waking up from, but that’s exactly what she is for me; a dream, the most beautiful of all dreams, but the most unrealistic of all, I honestly don’t know where exactly did my words drift to her, it seems that every time I write something her life finds it’s way back into my words, I can’t promise myself anything, I can’t promise it’ll ever end, I don’t think I even want it to… just thinking about it makes me alive, makes me feel that inside this dream there’s a human heart beating.
You know… maybe I’m going to the beach, maybe this is where this bus is taking me, a quit empty beach right before sunset, maybe this good old driver knows exactly what I need, he’ll just drop me off at this beach where no one else goes, and I would sit over the sand watching the sun goes down wondering where it went, laying on my back for hours watching closely as the pure sky get filled with so many stars I can barely see anymore black in the night, it all reminds me when I was young I used to think that the night was a cover, shades spread over the face of the sun for us and her to sleep, I used to think that the stars were holes made by a pin in that cover to let us know; the sun is still there, and that tomorrow will come, the blindfold will be lifted from a sleepy head… a dream within a dream making me see we’re not going to the beach, the midnight sun is burning my arm keeping my head from tilting through the window, my thoughts are boiling inside my brain shifting my wishes further more and more from my true desires, I can see we’re going to no beach or tropic island, they’re not leaving me alone are they, if only I could remember where was I going in the first place, if only I could ask them where are they taking me, people leaving and others coming aboard yet it seems like the faces remain the same, and right before I fell into another memory a man calls onto me telling me I’ve nearly missed my stop, I hurry back out of my seat and right towards the door, and before I went down I remembered I forgot to pay the driver his fare, I reached my hand to give him his money, but instead of a ticket he gave me a key, and before I could ask the bus was gone, eaten by the crowd, so many people walking around and I don’t know where I should go, I though I’d know it when I get to my stop, but I’ve never been here before, can I be lost inside my own dream, this is just too realistic to be fair, but there’s nothing I can do about it, I just keep walking and hope my footsteps could take me to the right direction of this wrong place, but the heat is filling my thoughts with too many doubts, maybe this isn’t my stop, maybe this isn’t even my dream, maybe this is the answer to my question; being someone else, wondering what it’s like to be me, be the one I missed so much, just then I saw something, a light shining towards my face making me blind for a moment, and as my eyes adjusted to it, I looked again and saw what it was, a mirror, a huge mirror in the middle of nowhere, this is my stop, this is who I was looking for all this time, I felt sorry it took me so long to find my own self, but I felt happy for not being alone anymore, and for some reason I couldn’t help but notice what looked like a door knob on the side of the mirror, without hesitation I put my hands in my pocket and took out my ticket, my key, unlocking a door into myself as I held my hands and opened the mirror, my reflection into it did the same thing for me. Here I’m standing at the other side of myself, I smile at what I see in front of me, another bus waiting for me, but this time I’m not wondering where I’m going, I know where I’m going; “Nowhere”, it doesn’t matter where my stop is, what matters is those memories in between, I was too afraid to live my days at school or speak my heart, I waited too long to take my cloth off and jump into the water of that beautiful beach, but now… I’m off to a new trip, a different road, it doesn’t matter where it takes me, all that matters is the dream; a dream within a dream within a dream… “LiFE” Love for a moment... As I looked out of the window of the four wheeled vehicle taking me home I couldn't help but wonder how many people fall under the line of my sight every single day on the same way, I never counted but there must be dozens of new faces every single day, it's a lose I never had a chance to know every one of them, but today something different happened, it wasn't a hot day but still I couldn't stand the sun shining violently at my eyes opened ajar at the road beside me, I had the earphones tugged into my ears with all manners of lyrics and music, life was floating the same way it always does, an hour wasted out of my day just so I could get back home, looking to the same sights as always, same flaws, same laws, but this time I saw a girl, a beautiful girl nearly the same age as mine, I looked at her and smiled lightly for no reason at all, I drifted my head with her as the sight changed and ate her away, only for a moment could I gaze at her, only for a moment did I smile, only for a moment was my love story with her, for the next minute I'll be back to my head listening to the songs and thinking about what to do to make the day pass quicker, I didn't look at her merely because of her beauty, it was the simple desire of a human binded in me, something out of my control, for a moment there I loved her, and for another I lived my life, you see, every love story ever lived by a human is nothing but a moment, though sometimes a moment could last longer than another, but the undeniable fact is; for every moment there is a graveyard, and those who know this fact, are those living love to it's true face, the most amazing sight of love, it's mortality, you just look at whom you love thinking you might never see that person again, that person that without whom you're life could no longer go on, it's true your life will end, but that life isn't yours it's that of the moment, once the moment has ended its life ends with it... so just go look at him, or look at her and know that this could be the last time. It'll make every second much more wonderful, much more worth it.
Love is like fire, but it's not the fire itself, it's the oxygen that feeds it, and just before that amount of air ends the flames gets to its peak, it's only just a matter of another moment before the wind carries it all away. I've learned so long ago never to regret whatever is gone with the wind, the secret lies in the next morning, a dawn carried by another wind, I learned to give myself a chance to be sad over what I lost but not regret whatever I've done, cause only by feeling sad for what I've lost I'll be happy with whatever to come, I lived to my mode for a long time but fate stabbed me in the back when I realized I was living in Antarctica, I get to see the sunrise only once, and only one other sunset before I get back to the dimness of my nights, the nights I became so familiar with, sometimes you wait all your life for something that when it passes you by; you get so excited that you forget to look at, just look at it for one last time before it leaves you to waste. So here it goes, I'm a bit rusty I haven't wrote a single word in quite some time so bare with me a little, you know the drill, just read the words, go through the lines and at the end of the day I'm nothing but a far away voice in an empty battery stereo. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not writing this to bring you down, I'm just saying, I mean we live all our lives and might even understand the closest people to us, the ones we really love, or sometimes we understand the ones we hate the most, and no matter what... we never get to a point where we understand our own selves to the fullest. Ha... it's just life; a few words come and gone, ones that matters and others that hurt, and we can't remember when it started and will never know where it'll end, sometimes it don't sound too fair when I realize we're living our whole lives trying to just figure out the alphabet, cause for every single little meaning or emotion in our lives there's a different alphabet, weird unknown symbols that gathers in our minds forming words that we can or can't explain. When we were young we were too damn smart, easy to learn the words, easier to put the plastic little shapes in their designated places, they think we gain intelligence by age when we actually lose it, the only thing we really gain is experience and even that some people throw away.
So anyway, where was I, oh yeah, rusty... drill... all those crappy words I use to make you think my writings are a little bit more fancy, and you fall for it, it's too damn funny how it is to fool the human's mind, I'm not insulting you I'm just saying... it's a bliss, look at the guy bringing his girl some flowers, just look at that smile over her face, now imagine if we weren't fools, if we were actually thinking straight the whole time and not blinded by those words I was talking about... "What!!!... Flowers?! are you kidding me, these flowers will soon die; now that they're out of soil. where are we supposed to get a vase around here, you couldn't buy me some gasoline instead... you know how fuel prices are nowadays, I fell in love with an idiot..." and so on, well actually it won't even go that way, he wouldn't have brought her flowers at first place, she wouldn't even be in love with the sucker, and come to think of it, there would've been no freaking raise in the prices... and after all the only gift she would've liked would be 'Heaven in a box...' and we all know the poor guy can't do that now can he, no one can. So it is beautiful to just be stupid for some few minutes, be a fool and be fooled by someone who deserves it, this isn't as stupid as you think, this is just a level of sanity your simple brain activities can't reach, or rather can't acknowledge, but yes; your heart can. It's a priceless thing to do in a world everything in it got a price tag on its back, we're just a couple of steps away from putting a price tag on humans... heck we've already done that in some way. I tell you what... this isn't taking us anywhere useful, so screw useful, I've already forgot what I was writing this for anyway, so let's play a little game... my favorite -after hide and seek off course- make a wish... make it two wishes, one that is reasonable with our reality standards, and another that is impossible... also to our standards, just wish for them, not just state them, wish them but be careful this is what you get, you'll never get this chance ever again, not everyone get to have a second chance in this game with me, at least not anymore... so you made your wishes?. I'm waiting... ok good, now just write them in a piece of paper, fold it, and put it in your wallet... purse... whatever you carry around on a usual basis, and I repeat 'usual basis' cause from now on you'll carry this shitty piece of paper with you all the time, folded and left alone, and before your mind races to any stupid conclusion... 'no' it's not what you think, yes I know I don't know what you're thinking but again I'm sure as hell; no it's not what you think, whatever it is, it's not a talisman, a good omen, a reminder, a conscious thingy, or any dumb idea they use in spam mails and commercial... god I hate those... so anyway just don't think this over way too much cause you're not going to be able to know what the hell is going on in that freaky little head of mine... well I wasn't going to say anything but since I already know the wheels in your head is turning I'm just going to let you on a little secret, I myself have 'no idea' what so ever... so yeah keep it down will ya, but I do know this, you lose 100% of the chances you never take, and every dream and ambition in your life will remain as folded and alone as this shitty little piece of paper of yours, as long as you never try something out and get over your (fear)s, (no)s, and (but)s... all your wishes will remain as they are... just wishes written in a piece of paper in your mind and by time forgotten, one day you might find a better excuse for this piece of paper than mine, I know you'll do, but just keep it like that with you, and one day if and when you totally forget what you wrote in it, open it up and read it just one more time before you throw it away in the air never to look back at it again, don't try to think what have you achieved since then and what you haven't, remember this is all just a stupid game after all, a rose cut of its ground destined to die soon, but it's sacrifice is for a price, a smile on some fool's face, and you're the fool... so just smile... think "what was that Maverick guy thinking?!" and I guess my work here is done... hey I made you smile didn't I, yeah sure it might not be before ten or twenty years from now, but hell what else do you want from me, nobody told you I was a magician or something, I just learned a long time ago, that life is all about fooling and being fooled, it's all about choosing the right person you'd let fool you, and this is what they call love... friendship... and all the wonderful, meaningful relations in our lives, my advice is, don't think you'll never be fooled, just be careful and try not to be fooled by the wrong person, and if God forbid; you were, just remember you're not the first one and sure as hell isn’t the last one, and that most of all it must've been worth it, cause the flower will die anyway and it don't matter anyway, but whether or not it made you smile for real is what really matters, believe me it matters more than you think it does, so never turn your back totally on someone you love or someone who loves you. Last but not least... I wouldn't get someone flowers, as beautiful as they are; they are living souls, and their place is in their ground, whether a garden or a forest, so I'd go to them but not cut them out, but that's just me... and hey I wouldn't buy a girl some gasoline either, who the hell do you think I am, I'm crazy yeah but not stupid... would a ketchup bottle do?!... alright, alright I was just kidding, jeez, no one have a sense of humor nowadays or what, and what's the deal with "the look" I guess that's just another language, one that is harder to explain when talking about roses and gasoline.... "Roses and gasoline???!" the hell was I thinking... we really are a bunch of fools anyway, one who wrote this, one who read it till the end... sorry! Yours truly, A.MaVeRicK Peace… for a while now I’ve been thinking about this word, day and night, and I just can’t seem to understand its true meaning, Peace?! Not the opposite of war, not quite a neutral military state, and not a state national in dependency either. Sure; not being in a state of war and bloodshed is good but, “What is Peace?!” really, a desire, an emotion, a state of mind, or simply an illusion, I’ve lived to believe that there’s always a logical explanation for everything, and by logic I do not mean science I mean Logic; whatever human’s eyes see is true, anything we feel is a reality, whether it’s inside a dream a book we read or maybe just a simple imagination, it still is reality for us, nothing can separate it from what we’re used to call the REAL world, and maybe; just maybe, if there was a line to separate reality from another world, that would be it; peace, a place where neither reality nor dreams exists, somewhere else, I know I sound crazy, even to myself, but it makes sense to me, peace is never a desire, an emotion or a state of mind. Peace is a place where you can go, like a peak of a mountain that you want to climb, without a gear, without fear, it’s ecstasy in a way; that moment where you forget everything around you just to enjoy one simple joy of life, it’s not the joy itself it’s simply the moment, the place you reach painted with a color you can’t describe.
I’m a proud member of the “lol, brb, and WTH’ generation, the world is an internet, a bigger version of it anyway, interlude net of politics, lies, war and commercials, it’s a circus out there, and the most common world someone my age would say nowadays is; “I don’t know how to trust anyone anymore?” and unfortunately it’s true; nobody knows how to trust, and those who still do are either suffering a serious case of amnesia or maybe just insane risk takers just like me and believe me there’s too little of that kind left around, either eaten away by over protective parents, failed love stories or our worst enemy; ‘REALITY’
What can I say, maybe I’m over reacting a little bit today, maybe I’m not. I just don’t feel right today that’s all, feels like I’m locked in the psyche ward and I’m clinging on to my last beads of sanity. Only thing that’s keeping me intact is knowing that when I sleep it’ll be all over, only so I could wake up tomorrow and start another day. You know that when you love someone and you make a mistake, sometimes you keep begging for another chance and you might not even get it at the end, well that made me think, maybe the world loves us more than anybody ever did, after all another day is another chance, chance to be better, chance to see another light, or at least a chance to think, and you keep giving up, closing your eyes yet the world gives you another chance, maybe this is love, or maybe it’s another form of hate, cursing us out of our dreams and into that filthy world one more time every time. Now I KNOW I’m making no sense, good… I didn’t want to make any of it anyway, who the hell wants to make sense when talking to himself, I AM THE KING OF SCHIZOPHRENIA, I’d make an army of myself and fight till the end, only problem is; I don’t even know what I’m fighting for or against; the world, corruption, reality, love, hate, or… or simply me, it’s a freaking salad in my head, a mix tape of all the worst songs in history, but out of all the noises there’s only one voice that seems so clear, some guy shouting at me telling me to get the hell out of his mind, and I just don’t get it, are you kidding me? Who’s in whose head? Who’s wrong and who’s even more wrong, who is really me, honestly, who is the warden and who is the guy who wants to be free, I guess at the end we all want to feel peace, what humanity’s been chasing after since forever, that moment that some of us might have it once in a life time and some of us never does. But what is it… what is; Peace?! |